Girl Scouts hiring collectors

The girl scouts have signed up for the War on the Poor.

In this excellent story by Lisa Gutierrez entitled Tough Cookies:Girl Scouts go after deadbeat customers, we learn that the Girl Scouts are now hiring debt collectors to collect $24,000 in unpaid cookie revenues.

How greedy can the Girl Scouts get? This vast corporate entity sells millions of dollars worth of diabetes-causing cookies every year, and they’re hiring thugs to go after $24,000?

It just isn’t fair. This is a naked attack on the sick and the poor; why, in a scientific survey I totally made up in my head, 90% of the people who didn’t pay for their girl scout cookies bought aspirin the week before. That means they’ve got a medical condition! They can’t be expected to pay for their cookies!

Now, people ask how I can include people who buy aspirin in my imaginary survey. Well, even if I left out the aspirin part, it wouldn’t change my statistics (because they’re made up!); all of those consumers bought other products, like ibuprofin and band-aids. So it’s definitely safe to say that all of these so-called “deadbeats” are suffering from unexpected medical emergencies (in my imagination).

And it goes further than that. In an economy where girl scout cookie buyers are being squeezed by rising health care, automotive, and home costs, it’s just wrong for the Scouts to be disproportionately harming people who don’t pay for the cookies they ordered through no fault of their own. The fake news journal “The Paris Business Review” states that 90% of people who don’t pay for their cookies can’t due to illness. Another 50% can’t pay because of divorce, 40% because of death in the family, 70% because of job loss, 50% because of medical emergencies, and only one-twelfth of one-half of one percent because they don't want to.

This attack by the girl scouts on hard-working families should be remembered the next time they offer to sell you cookies on credit. They know the risks! They shouldn't let people who can't afford to pay write a check for their cookies.

And now that the Girl Scouts will be collecting all that unpaid cookie revenue, does that mean they'll lower the price of their cookies for those of us who aren't "deadbeats"? Heck no! Will the greed never stop?